all i wanna do is find my way back into love


what a dreamy song
but at the same time it can be so nggghh.

lydia says i never update!!
hurr i shall now.

things have been flying and flying past.
it's alr thurs this wk that i'm graduating and i haven really done my journaling and all that i am supp to do.
just realised i'll be leaving for china like in 2 weeks time.
and it's alr coming to the end of march and the camp is drawing near too.
realised how i haven been doing much of a proper fast after all the feasting during the weekend and im just growing humongously fat):

and i have to keep realising how much u really love me.
message the entire weekend:
i love you
i love you
i love you.
i really cannot uds why and how.
everything has jus been so nerve-wrecking with the scholarships application ending on friday and ppl asking where im applying to. with a dozen things on my to-do list i kinda gave up writing one.

went to Gilbert's pub on fri with lydia and the rest,
and it just felt reli good sitting there soaking up the songs, and yet weird cos im just sitting there. tired, and thinking about alot of things. stupid things.
like how i would bring my boyfriend there and we would just sit there and enjoy the songs and talk.
was just talking to xin bout relationships.
it's so scary to commit, and yet somehow u just wish for a someone to be there. to just give their presence, or a smile, or a shoulder to lean on.
the wait is hard.
but i know lord you have someone out there for me.
i hope you do.
haha but at the rate i'm going and where i'm thinkin of heading to, i'll prob marry late or live alone til i turn into a beautiful lady with white hair.
it just calls for a little faith sometimes, doesn't it?

but then you always say, " stop doubting, and believe."
kok guan's msg on sat really spoke to me.
it really requires faith, which is also spelled out as RISK.
to step out into the unknown, to keep trusting and believing that He is doing a great work in my life.
everything seems really so blur and foggy and im just really pushing thru this thick smog.
what's really keeping me going is to keep reminding myself that God is good.
and indeed,
he has been the silent listener to all my rants, all my woes and cries.
deep in my heart, all the desires, that only you see.
i'm so glad only God can read my thoughts.

and i thank god no one laughed at me acting as jesus.
thank you lord everything went well(:

watched a video in class today about this guy who goes around india picking up ppl with diseases and who are sick, those left to die. he cleaned their wounds, some had maggots in them and it was just ultimately disgusting. but i kept my eyes glued to the screen.
deep within my heart just cried:
i want to do this.
i want to live and die doing this.
reaching out to these people,
cleaning their wounds,
caring for them,
and just sharing the love of jesus with them.
margaret was crying.
i was surprised i didn't.
but i had tears in my eyes as i closed them in the closing prayer.
tears of frustration and a deep burnin cry of " i may not have the expertise!
i just want so badly to get into medicine.
it's just reli frustrating to look at my results and remb the look and tone of the guy's face when he said chances are slim.
its like a thousand slaps in my face.
and im just so doubtful about everything.

but you said "stop doubting and believe."
and so many times my human mind just cannot comprehend what u have in store for me.
i cannnot see the big picture.
i cant see what's ahead.
i dont know the morrow but i know who holds my tomorrow.

and im just so grateful for lala and lydia.
just being there to hear me and do stupid stuff with me.
im gg to miss them so so much. bearing with my burps in class and roaring and haha! all the other unglam stuff ive been doing. im so so happy we're gg out tmr. we are so gonna have conference calls and lala's always kidnapped by martians or smth. her phone making weird noises and lydia and i going frantically, "hello hello??"
haha.
i wish time would reach a standstill.

it felt really nice to just sit there.

at the same time i know i shuld let go.
let go and let God.


all the real sharings that have been going on.
just reminds me how life can be so hard and real sometimes.
but at the end of it, there's always someone bigger and so loving in cahrge of everything.
and he is good.
really good.
dean and uncle mohan have been the nicest ppl ever..
just really leaves me speechless.
god, ure really so wonderful.
want to thank my bro, esther and jon too(:
and tausa for simply letting me rant to him.


starting to read Captivating again. im so sorry char for borrowing it for so long..im still waiting to buy the bk when i have the time and means to. its really helping me to come to terms that im a woman. with a heart that has desires and can be hurt and can be so vulnerable sometimes.

what i want to do now is take a slow walk at the airport with you.
just let memories rush by.
in a moment,
in its stillness.
just cherish that minute.
and dream.

but. laughs. what stupid and naive dreams i have sometimes.

highlight of the day:
dressing up as a crew.
lala.lydia.lynette.jeremy.john.
haha just had the retardest time in the com room posing for shots on the cam tt.
jeremy dancing and trying to dance and pop but totally failing and shaking his butt! hahaa. john actually being reli cool and natural with all his poses.
us being so enthu at posing at first and ending with acting cute and sian shots in the end. haha its not everyday u get to dress up as a hip-hopper eh.
so fun! grins.

for the times they just dint reply,
i shall shove it. bury them and ask for u to let flowers grow on them(:

thank you jesus.

Labels: crumpled and smoothened.

7:44 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

every time i see your face
my heart smiles.

that was like a super old destiny's child song which suddenly popped into my head.
the unseen things that glide into twists and turns,
entering the millions of cells that constantly perform their specific function;
(i won't go into the details)
each rapidly moving to where they are needed,
and in its entirety and complexity,
it is called the brain.

the mind.
loving God with our minds.
all this head knowledge sometimes gets you nowhere.
knowing you with the heart,
is where it all matters sometimes.

sometimes i'm so used
to walking through these ordinary days

breezing,
drifting
as these days that pass me by
i watch as the world spins around me
people going past
without a glance
i attempt once again
try stopping
push against the empty wall
and then i fall.
and i falter
try to find you in a crowd of a million faces
see the "we" and not the "me"
in this journey that i've abandoned
all goes down to a simple word: love
is this what the world is aching for?

somewhere btw a song and a poem,
ramblings.
and wishing for something more.
how do i get past this wall?
it came out of nowhere.
or was it the past failings and fallings i've had,
that still breaks me.
how could i hold on to so much,
and still try to see things in your eyes?
they aren't always the way they are, are they?
commitments again and again,
and i'm so weak from trying.
but when i am weak,
you are strong.
and i'm clinging to you dear jesus,
precious jesus.
with all i am,
holding my heart out to you.




and despite everything,
you're so willing to use me
it really marvels me.
but oh, fight for me




til the sun and planets disappear.
oh let me fall in love with you again

it was so funny last night at lcg,
just reminiscing about the old times
all the HAHAS times, teasing ting and char.
the good old days,
just can't help laughing and grinning.
how time really flies and most of us are entering uni alr.
and you have everything planned out god(:

im really so thankful for that.
you hold the world in your hands and
are sovereign over everything.
to GOD be the glory.
be all glory and honour and praise!
just as David did,
i want to pour my heart out before you,
and shift my eyes from the problem to you God.
in every circumstance
to find a chance to thank you.
beholding your beauty
i enter your courts
full of adoration
and unto the Lamb
who sits on the throne
be all glory and honour
ill run til i finish the race
yes i will.

i want to fall at your feet
and weep
and cry
to let loose of all i've been holding back
to let you do your work and
purify this heart from all unrighteousness.

to love you.

8:48 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

all the gazellions of thoughts that are rushing thru my head.
i feel lost.
and at the same time found.
all my hopes and dreams that were actually directed to that impending moment.
i'm not happy with it.
but i'm still thanking you
my lovely wonderful saviour.
for everything.

because i know you plans for me,
plans to prosper me
and not to harm me.
plans to give me hope and a future.
i must say i'm reli blurred on the definition of "prosper" now.
but i'm putting my hope in you.
and i know you hold my tomorrows,
so i'mnot gg to worry about that.
but right now,
i need more than ever your directon.
so many possibilities before me,
and yet so few.
so ironic isn't it?
i don't like it.

but i'm trusting in your word,
and your cross,
and your faithfulness to me.

i lay again on the pavement this morn,
lying and looking at the stars.
remembering again,
of you telling me what was on your heart.
but it seems so impossible,
so unbelievable.
is that really you?
or just a fancy of my heart.

jeremiah 33:3
"call to me and i will answer you;
and tell you great and unsearchable things
you do not know."


yes, i will go on a journey to seek you.
and you shall be found.
and in the process,
god,
find me.
find out what is really truly on my heart.


teach me your ways, O LORD, my God
that i may walk in your truth
give me a totally, undivided heart
that i may fear your Name
purify my heart,
cleanse me Lord i pray
remove from me all that is standing in the way
of your love.


now begins the first step.
of this long journey.

Labels: she walks.

4:18 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

this is the air i breathe
this is the air i breathe
your holy presence
living in me

this is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word
spoken to me

and i,
i'm desperate for you
and i,
i'm lost without you.


i have learnt.
to put you first.
to be strong,
and to be beautiful.
it was so hard,
and just . i dont want to go thru it agn.
having so many things on my mind,
and feeling like i was just going to fall apart.
okay, i don't like exaggerating things but
it really felt that way.
all the feelings and emotions, thoughts, that were all just suppressed deep below.
all hidden by the laughter and smiles and chattering.
and then when i'm left alone,
i know i'm not alone.
because you were there for me.
just silently holding my hand,
not saying a word,
but quietly sitting there,
waiting for me to come to you.
you gazed,
ever so lovingly
with tears in your eyes as you saw mine.
all that was going thru my mind,
and all i felt in my heart,
you knew.
words cannot describe things more often than not.
it was so easy to fall,
and think with human logic.
but i would have to be the one to pick up the pieces later,
and you would be the one crying out for me.
no,
i don't want to venture there.

and you say,
"you're beautiful.
strong warrior; princess of mine.
and oh, so precious to me."

i can only silently weep,
and try to come to terms with that.
try to grasp the enormous truth that You love me.
despite all my failings,
all my ugliness,
and oh! wretched soul that i am!
you still love me!

place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as unyielding as the grave.
it burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
if one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
song of songs 8: 6,7


oh, that you would romance me,
and chase after me.
that you had overcome the cross and grave to find my soul
and give life its worth.
i am utterly amazed,
and woe to me!
for i am a man of unclean lips,
and filthy garments!

but you lift my eyes
to meet yours,
and the itensity of the moment
takes my breath away,
my very being melts away.

jesus,
i'm in love with you.

7:00 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

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all the brothers and sisters

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of old.

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credits.

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wonderful people

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